Do you find yourself burying your head in shame each time
you fail to be a perfect hostess, or when you say no? Here's how to stop
whipping yourself
Are you sick of reading about how an amazing lettuce-only
diet will make you happier, or how decluttering your home could transform your
sex life? You're not the only one. After all, you have enough to feel guilty
about without worrying about your love handles or your kids' confidence.
According to a recent study, 96 per cent of women feel guilty at least once a
day. This can have a destructive effect on our health, even factoring in the
onset of depression. Here's how to cancel guilt trips.
No time for kids
Since most mothers now go out to work, women are expected to
balance a happy home life with the demands of a job. But a startling majority
feels like they haven't got the balance right. If you're at work worrying about
the children, work isn't getting the best out of you and the kids aren't
getting anything. Anxiety is rehearsing for tomorrow and reliving the past —
stay in the here and now. When you're at work, be 100 per cent at work and when
you're with your children, be 100 per cent with them. That way everyone
benefits. 2
Not losing extra kilos
Women are so demoralised from being bombarded with images of
"perfect" models that their default mode for shape and size tends to
be set at "dissatisfaction". More than 70 per cent report being on a
diet at any one time, regardless of whether they are actually overweight or
not. Choose to change your situation and make time to go to the gym. If you
choose not to do that, then view the situation differently — recognise it is your
choice and no one else is to blame. But don't stay in the same situation and
view it with horror. That wastes energy.
Spulrging on yourself
Going on a shopping spree may be fun at the time, but the
after effects can send some into a spiral of self-loathing and guilt. A survey
found that 80 per cent of women felt bad about splashing their cash on
themselves just hours after they had finished shopping; 10 per cent felt so
crippled by remorse that they refused to disclose their purchases to their
partner. But as long as it's not eating into important payments, then spending
money on yourself is fair enough.
Women don't see making themselves feel better as a gain for
everyone. But if you rationalise your reasons for spending money on a spa break
because you need the downtime, then you have no reason to feel guilty.
Not making him happy
Like the balance needed to maintain a happy home and work
life, there is often effort needed to keep a relationship on track. But if
you're feeling stretched, your partner is likely to be the first to suffer from
your lack of attention and this causes stress and guilt. If you feel guilty
that you're not doing enough to make your loved one happy, sit down and look at
your timetables and agree on how you to make more time for each other. Discuss
it and come up with a change in your behaviours that will make you both
happier.
Always late
Sometimes situations arise which make us late, no matter how
prepared we are. Seeing time as a gift will enable you to make the best out of
the situation and prevent panic. You can either be late and flustered or late
and collected. Sitting on a train and getting aggravated is a waste of energy.
It's not the end of the world; it's a problem to be solved. Stay in the here
and now, and ask yourself how you can use the moment? Jot a list, or call your
mother.
Imperfect hosting
Many women would like to host the perfect dinner party, but
they often set high standards. The desire for social excellence derives from
the need to be perfect all the time. Host your party and be a bad hostess. The
moment you accept you can do it, but do it badly, it takes the pressure off.
Women give themselves a lot of 'should, oughts and musts', but these don't
exist — everyone has a different perception, so host a dinner, but do it your
way.
Forgetting birthdays
Though men might forget a birthday and shrug it off, women
are more likely to beat themselves up for days for such minor oversights. Go
easy on yourself, but also, go easy on others who forget.
It's not deliberate. When people aren't putting you first,
you must see it from their point of view and if we could be more generous then
we wouldn't feel so guilty. If you feel guilty, tell yourself you know you're
doing your best, apologise and make clear it wasn't deliberate. 8
Taking some 'me' time
Living up to the 'superwoman' image can lead to terrible
feelings of guilt over getting your hair done. But doing nothing is very
important in allowing women to physically and mentally recharge. But it is very
difficult to allow yourself to do it. Tell people the truth. That you need a
break because you are at your limit — then accept that the world will not fall
apart without you. 9
Letting your folks down
Women can inherit guilt through generations — of not doing
enough for their elders, not doing it right or 'failing' their parents. Learn
to accept that your parents will love and judge you no matter what. Do try and
be sensitive but if you go your own way and you are successful and happy, then
if they are decent human beings, they'll be happy for you. 10
Saying 'no'
Saying 'no' is hard because women don't want to be seen as
the baddie and because they are taught to put others first. Give yourself time
to think about each request, so have ready a stalling tactic. If you really
don't want to do what they ask, give options to help solve their problem — brainstorm
alternatives.
However, if you've explained why you can't do something and
they can't see it from your point of view, then accept that they're being
unreasonably selfish and taking advantage of your goodwill.
- Mumbai Mirror
